Bloated Bard

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ALEX JONES D&D STATS ONLINE LQ.jpg

Introducing: the Bloated Bard.

I’ve come across the character of Alex Jones a couple of times before, watching videos about his outrages, but when I recently read an article about the collection of court cases he is involved in, and the details summarizing those cases, I realized that his character is the perfect fit for a D&D Monster.

Turning his conspiracy theories into actual abilities for said monster and then figuring out a backstory was quite a blast. It all started by copying keywords and quotes from the article. Things like: Satanic Rituals, Government controlled weather, Satanist elites looking for world domination, “charging into a goblin nest covered in vomit and slob”, “kissing goblins, ingratiating goblins and getting into bed with goblins”, “turn the freaking frogs gay”. Focusing mainly on the ability to change sexual orientation, which can be something fun to work with in game, and his obsession with goblins.

Illustrating the character I decided to go for a deformed version of Mr. Jones mixed with the boils of a frog. As I was using the base of a bard, the class that would fit him best, to fill in some of his basic abilities, I also decided to give him a lute as an attribute. Sméagol was always in the back of my mind during the making off, as this creature that has had to go into hiding. Its body slowly deforming, its clothes ripping as it grows to size.

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